Single motherhood






Hi, I'm a Kenyan-born, Colorado-based single mom to twins Hodari and Milambu. I turned the challenges of single motherhood into a thriving YouTube community and blog. Here, I offer support and practical advice on parenting, lifestyle, and more. Let's navigate life's complexities together!


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Ah, the holidays—a time of twinkling lights, mouthwatering feasts, and Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” playing on an infinite loop. It’s the season when we wear our ugliest sweaters with pride and tell ourselves that gingerbread cookies are absolutely a breakfast food because, hey, ginger is a root, right? But for single moms deep in the trenches of co-parenting, the holiday season can also feel like you’ve been cast as the lead role in a complicated drama where the script keeps changing. You know, the kind of script that not even Meryl Streep could memorize.

Why? Because holidays amplify everything: the good, the bad, and the “why-is-my-ex-being-so-difficult” ugly. Navigating the holiday schedule is akin to a military operation, requiring strategy, diplomacy, and, above all, the willpower not to eat all the advent calendar chocolates in a single sitting (just me? Okay, moving on).

So, let’s spill some tea. Why is mastering the holiday co-parenting schedule so important? Simple. It sets the tone for your entire family’s emotional well-being. Forget about presents under the tree; what your kids truly want (but may not articulate) is a drama-free holiday season where they get to make gingerbread houses, not sit through tense house negotiations. This is the real holiday magic, and yes, Virginia, it does exist.

Moreover, the holidays are filled with traditions and lifetime memories. How you manage to co-parent during this time will shape your children’s holiday experiences. They’ll either remember the joyful moments of decorating the Christmas tree and baking cookies, or they’ll recall the awkward exchanges and heated arguments over who gets them on New Year’s Eve. If you’re thinking that holiday co-parenting is a high-stakes game, you’re absolutely right. But don’t sweat it just yet; we’re about to dive into the playbook that even Tom Brady would envy.

So grab your hot cocoa (extra marshmallows, please), put on your reading glasses or pretend you’re reading this out loud for dramatic flair—no judgment here—and let’s unwrap the do’s and don’ts of co-parenting during the most wonderful (and complicated) time of the year.

The Do’s of Navigating the Holiday Season with a Toxic Ex

Navigating the holidays with a toxic ex can feel like you’re tip-toeing through a minefield while balancing a plate of fruitcake—stressful, complicated, and one wrong move away from a total disaster. But fear not, festive warriors. By sticking to these do’s, you can not only survive but actually thrive during the holiday season. So, don your armor (or, you know, just put on some comfy leggings), and let’s dive in.

1. Plan Early

The early bird gets the worm—or in our case, a less stressful holiday season. With a toxic ex, unpredictability is the name of the game. And what better way to counter unpredictability than with meticulous planning? Draft a detailed holiday schedule well in advance, outlining who has the kids when, down to pick-up and drop-off times and locations. Then, get it in writing. Email it. Text it. Heck, send it via carrier pigeon if you must. But make it formal. That way, you can minimize the chance for last-minute manipulations. Plus, you can wave that documented agreement around like a flag of victory should your ex try to mess with the agreed-upon plans.

2. Be Flexible

“But you just told me to plan everything out!” I hear you, and I stand by it. However, life happens: kids get sick, snowstorms hit, or your ex “accidentally” runs two hours late. Maintaining some flexibility within your rock-solid plans can be your secret weapon. Keep alternative arrangements in your back pocket, whether that means having a backup babysitter on standby or being prepared with a Plan B for holiday meals and events. Flexibility can be empowering and can keep a toxic ex from leveraging last-minute changes against you.

3. Coordinate Gifts

Navigating the treacherous waters of holiday gift-giving with a toxic ex is like playing a game of chess—you need to be several moves ahead. To avoid the one-upmanship game or the infamous “double gifting,” consider coordinating gifts for the kids. If direct communication with your ex feels like walking on Legos, use a mediator or trusted family member to relay messages. This can ensure that your children get a diverse range of gifts, and it prevents the toxic ex from using presents as a manipulation tactic.

4. Establish Traditions

The saying goes, “If you can’t change the people around you, change the people around you.” No, that’s not a typo. If you can’t change your ex, change the narrative for yourself and your kids. Establish your own set of holiday traditions that can function independently of whatever toxicity is coming from the other side. Whether it’s a movie night featuring “Elf” and copious amounts of popcorn or an afternoon of cookie decorating, these traditions become your family’s sanctuary. They’ll not only provide comfort to your children but also reinforce that joy and stability can exist even when things are complicated.

5. Communicate with Extended Family

Ah, the extended family—a group that can either be your strongest allies or unintentional instigators. Be proactive in informing them of your plans and boundaries. No, Aunt Linda, the kids won’t be able to make it for your infamous fruitcake unveiling this year; they’ll be with their other parent. Make sure the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are all on the same page. A united front can act as an additional layer of defense against a toxic ex’s antics.

6. Prioritize the Children’s Needs

Last but definitely not least, always keep the children’s emotional and physical well-being front and center. This is, after all, the heart of the holiday season. Your ex may try to turn things into a power struggle, but your focus should be solely on ensuring your children have a meaningful, peaceful holiday. That might mean swallowing your pride, biting your tongue until it practically falls off, or stepping back to let your kids enjoy time with their other parent—whatever it takes to shield them from the toxicity and tension.

The Don’ts of Navigating The Holiday Season With A Toxic Ex

If the “Do’s” are your holiday wish list, consider the “Don’ts” the equivalent of getting coal in your stocking. These are the pitfalls, the traps, the no-no’s you want to steer clear of—especially when navigating the slippery ice that is co-parenting with a toxic ex during the holidays. It’s like navigating a maze filled with Grinches, Scrooges, and that fruitcake nobody actually eats but everyone keeps regifting. Ready? Let’s jump down this chimney of cautionary tales.

1. Don’t Use the Kids as Messengers

This one’s big, folks, so listen up: Children are not mail carriers, UPS drivers, or cute little messenger pigeons. They are especially not trained diplomats qualified to navigate the complex treaty negotiations that can occur between you and a toxic ex. Don’t put them in the middle of adult conversations or use them to communicate passive-aggressive holiday wishes. “Tell your father/mother that if they really cared, they’d have you home by 7 p.m. for Christmas Eve dinner.” No, just no. This puts an emotional burden on your children and sets them up for unnecessary stress and conflict.

2. Avoid One-Upmanship

Ah, the ever-tempting one-upmanship game. Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like trying to outdo your toxic ex with more extravagant gifts, grander holiday plans, or a bigger, flashier Christmas tree. But remember, this isn’t a Hallmark movie, and you’re not competing for the title of “Best Christmas Ever.” Overshadowing your ex might feel momentarily satisfying, but it only perpetuates a cycle of competition and resentment. And trust me, no one is keeping score here—except maybe your credit card bill.

3. Don’t Spring Last-Minute Changes

If your toxic ex specializes in last-minute curveballs, don’t join them in that league. Keep to the agreed-upon schedule unless a real emergency comes up. Even then, communicate any changes as clearly and as soon as possible. Sudden changes, especially during an already hectic holiday season, can escalate tensions and add unnecessary stress for everyone involved—especially your kids. Remember, this isn’t a game of holiday Jenga; don’t pull out the bottom block just to see what happens.

4. Don’t Overload Schedules

It’s easy to go overboard during the holidays. Between holiday parties, family gatherings, school events, and the “Nutcracker” performances you swear you’ll take your kids to one of these years, the calendar can fill up faster than your living room fills with discarded wrapping paper on Christmas morning. But resist the urge to schedule every moment. Overloading schedules in an attempt to outdo your toxic ex will leave everyone feeling drained, and the true essence of the holiday season will get lost in the hustle and bustle.

Special Cases to Consider When Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex During the Holiday Season

Sometimes, life throws a few curveballs that add extra layers of complexity to the already tangled web of holiday co-parenting. If navigating the holiday season with a toxic ex is akin to juggling flaming torches, then adding in long-distance challenges, new partners, and strained relationships with other family members is like juggling those torches while riding a unicycle on a tightrope. Yes, it’s that complex. But before you start envisioning yourself as a performer in a holiday-themed circus of horrors, let’s break down these special cases and explore how to handle them with finesse.

1. Long-Distance Co-Parenting

Long-distance co-parenting is like playing a never-ending game of tag where no one is “it.” The rules can seem arbitrary, and the playing field is stretched over hundreds or even thousands of miles. Travel logistics become more than just an annoying detail; they’re the main event. Who’s flying where? Who’s picking up whom from the airport? Are we really going to try to squeeze in a 6-hour drive with holiday traffic?

Here’s where super-detailed planning comes to the rescue. Coordinate well in advance on travel plans, and keep a shared digital calendar if possible. Always have a Plan B and even a Plan C for transportation hiccups. Weather delays, lost luggage, and other travel calamities are par for the course. Also, be very clear on who will cover travel expenses to avoid financial disputes that can add fuel to an already blazing fire.

2. New Partners

Ah, the new love interest—a character introduction that can either add a delightful plot twist or make an already convoluted storyline unbearable. If you or your ex has a new partner, tread lightly and prioritize communication. Understand that this is uncharted territory for everyone involved, including the kids. Do they call the new partner by their first name, a nickname, or avoid addressing them altogether in a display of loyalty to the other parent?

The key is to not force any relationships but provide a welcoming and open environment where organic interactions can take place. Have a direct conversation with your ex about the role the new partner will play during the holiday festivities. Setting boundaries now can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts later. Remember, this isn’t a Hallmark movie; your lives won’t magically mesh together with the help of holiday spirit, so a practical approach is essential.

3. Difficult or Strained Relationships with Other Family Members

When you and your toxic ex separated, you didn’t just divorce each other; you also restructured your relationships with extended family. That amicable, rosy-cheeked holiday gathering can quickly turn into an episode of “Jerry Springer” if Aunt Susan sides with your ex, or if your own parents start questioning your co-parenting choices.

If relationships are strained, make sure to set your boundaries clearly and communicate them to your family. No, your ex will not be joining for Christmas dinner, and yes, that decision is final. Give your family the heads-up on sensitive subjects that are off-limits for holiday banter to prevent accidental ignitions of ticking emotional time bombs.

Managing these special cases requires the finesse of a seasoned diplomat and the wisdom of a sage—or at least the patience of a saint. But it’s possible. After all, if you can handle co-parenting with a toxic ex, you can handle just about anything the holiday season throws your way. So deck the halls, light the menorah, and prepare for a holiday season that’s as peaceful and joyous as you make it.

Wrapping Up…

Co-parenting with a toxic ex during the holidays can feel like navigating a minefield in a winter wonderland. But remember, this season is not about perfection; it’s about creating meaningful moments that your children will treasure. While juggling schedules, dodging drama, and dealing with special cases might be exhausting, your resilience sets an example for your children on how to handle life’s complexities with grace.

So as you step into this holiday season, remember to breathe, prioritize your children’s needs, and find joy where you can. The best gift you can give is a peaceful, loving environment—and that’s something not even a toxic ex can take away.

Here’s to you, the real MVP of this holiday season. Cheers to your strength, your resilience, and the love that keeps you going. Happy holidays!

How to Navigate Holiday Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex

Nov 20, 2023

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