Single motherhood






Hi, I'm a Kenyan-born, Colorado-based single mom to twins Hodari and Milambu. I turned the challenges of single motherhood into a thriving YouTube community and blog. Here, I offer support and practical advice on parenting, lifestyle, and more. Let's navigate life's complexities together!


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Trauma is a word we hear often, but when it sidles up next to “co-parenting,” it becomes a soul-sucking vampire that saps the life out of your very existence. I mean, co-parenting can be as complicated as a Rubik’s Cube, but throw in a toxic ex and it’s like trying to solve that cube while skydiving without a parachute. You’re plummeting fast, the ground is approaching, and the colors just won’t align.

This emotional whirlpool has a face—perhaps it’s the stone-cold expression your ex wears when undermining you in front of the kids, or maybe it’s the smirk reflected in your phone screen as you read yet another manipulative text. Every condescending comment, each calculated maneuver, is a stab to your emotional core, leaving you riddled with scars that only you can feel.

Remember the first time your little one took a tumble and you held them, their tiny heart pounding against yours, reassuring them that the pain would soon fade? You almost believed it yourself—until you realized your own emotional bruises weren’t healing, not really. They just mutated into something else: anxiety, self-doubt, depression.

This trauma shapes us, often whispering in our ear like a malevolent Jiminy Cricket, distorting our views of trust and love. It’s a shapeshifter, coming at us in forms like parental alienation, emotional exhaustion, and endless cycles of guilt and shame. If emotional baggage had a frequent flyer program, you’d have enough points for a first-class ticket to a nervous breakdown.

But despite the gravity of the situation, we’re not destined to crash and burn. Understanding the beast is the first step in taming it. So let’s navigate this emotional minefield together and turn those battle scars into badges of resilience.

The Nitty-Gritty of Trauma

When we say “trauma,” we often think of visible scars and wounds, but the effects of a toxic co-parenting relationship are often invisible. They’re the scars you can’t see, but you can definitely feel—kind of like emotional paper cuts. And oh boy, do they sting!

1. The Emotional Exhaustion

You know that feeling when you’ve finally put the kids to bed, poured a glass of wine, and are just about to take that first sip, and then you get a text from your ex that makes your heart sink? That’s emotional exhaustion, darling. Every text, call, or email you dread from them chips away at your emotional stamina, leaving you as drained as your phone battery after a full day of scrolling through social media.

2. The Gaslighting Saga

Ah, the infamous gaslighting—where your ex turns into a spin doctor of emotions, making you question your own reality. It’s like being on a merry-go-round that you can’t get off. One minute, you’re the “crazy” ex, and the next, you’re the irresponsible parent. The inconsistency is enough to give anyone emotional whiplash. Gaslighting is traumatic because it erodes your confidence, and hey, confidence is our currency, ladies!

3. Parental Alienation: The Ultimate Betrayal

Few things cut deeper than your children, the apple(s) of your eye, being used as weapons in this relentless war. A toxic ex might feed lies or half-truths to the children, turning them against you. It’s the kind of betrayal that leaves scars, both on you and the kids. This can manifest as the kiddos becoming distant, or worse, echoing the toxic parent’s words back to you. Parental alienation doesn’t just break the family further; it breaks hearts.

4. Living in the Shadows of Anxious Anticipation

This trauma isn’t confined to specific moments – it creeps into every facet of your life, becoming a constant, unwelcome houseguest. It’s that feeling of tiptoeing around eggshells, always waiting for the next bombshell to drop. Will it be a passive-aggressive comment during a custody exchange or a surprise legal battle? This state of high alert makes relaxation a distant dream, leaving you with a perpetual sense of unease, much like living with a Jack-in-the-box that could pop up at any moment.

RELATED: The Best Self-Care Practices While Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex

5. The Cycle of Guilt and Shame

Then comes the cycle of guilt and shame. You might think, “If only I were a better judge of character,” or, “How did I not see the signs?” Stop right there, gorgeous. You’re not a psychic, and you definitely shouldn’t be carrying the weight of someone else’s toxicity. But that shame spiral? It’s a part of the trauma.

6. The Disrupted Identity

This journey can shake your sense of identity to its core. The constant upheaval and the demands of co-parenting with a toxic ex might cause you to question who you are outside of this situation. Your role as a mother, as an individual, and as a partner can become entangled, leaving you feeling like you’ve lost a part of yourself. This disrupted identity adds another layer to the trauma, as you grapple with the challenge of rediscovering and reaffirming who you are amidst the chaos.

7. The Isolation of Emotional Isolation

Imagine standing in a crowded room, surrounded by people, yet feeling utterly alone. That’s the unique isolation that co-parenting trauma can bring. While your friends and family might empathize, they may not fully comprehend the emotional turmoil you’re navigating on a daily basis. It’s like being stranded on an emotional island, searching for connection but finding it elusive.

RELATED: 15 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Red Flags

The Trauma: Healing, Not Just Dealing

Alright, let’s get real, mommas. The trauma of co-parenting with a toxic ex isn’t just a rough patch—it’s like running a marathon on a gravel road barefoot. But here’s the twist: we’re not just going to deal with it; we’re going to heal from it. Because, let’s be honest, slapping a band-aid on a gaping emotional wound? Not cute, and definitely not effective.

How Real is the Trauma? It’s Not Just You, It’s Science!

Before we jump into the how-tos of healing, let’s validate that the trauma you’re feeling isn’t just some overblown emotional hiccup. It’s not just a melodramatic reaction; it’s a scientifically backed response to an ongoing battle. The prolonged exposure to a toxic ex can flip the switches of your body’s stress response like a light show at a concert. Your emotions are not merely playing tricks on you; your body is responding on a physiological level.

Elevated cortisol levels are like an alarm system that’s on high alert, constantly triggering a state of heightened anxiety. Disrupted sleep patterns become the norm, leaving you feeling like a restless traveler in an airport terminal. And let’s not forget the unwelcome guests – anxiety and depression – who show up unannounced and overstaying their welcome.

Your body isn’t just whispering; it’s shouting from the rooftops, “Houston, we have a problem!” The turmoil you’re experiencing is real, and it’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a testament to your strength in navigating through the storm while still keeping your ship afloat.

So, How Do We Start the Healing Process?

1. Self-Compassion: You’re Only Human After all

Ladies, let’s start with a heaping dose of self-compassion. You know how you’re always there for your best friend, offering kind words and support? It’s time to extend that same grace to yourself. It’s so easy to beat ourselves up. “Why did I choose him?” “Why can’t I handle this better?” “Why did I allow my kids to be born into this?” “How could I not have seen this before?” Pause those self-critical thoughts and acknowledge that you’re human. Mistakes happen; they don’t define you. Your strength shines through when you rise above them.

2. Emotional Reckoning: Own Your Feelings

Imagine stepping into a room with a locked door. Inside that room are emotions – anger, hurt, frustration – waiting to be acknowledged and understood. Until you open that door, the emotions linger, casting shadows over your healing journey. It’s time to embrace emotional reckoning.

Acknowledge the feelings you’ve been carrying, whether they’re raw anger, profound hurt, or simmering resentment. By owning these emotions, you’re releasing their hold on you. You’re not giving them power; you’re reclaiming your own power. Remember, healing begins when you confront the emotions that have been lurking in the shadows, waiting for their chance to be seen and heard.

3. Release the Angst: Therapeutic Practices

Therapy isn’t just for unraveling the mysteries of the mind; it’s a sanctuary for your emotions. Consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) your emotional gym, a place where you flex those resilience muscles. EMDR, like a skilled artist, transforms traumatic memories into cathartic masterpieces. And hypnotherapy? It’s like a voyage into the depths of your subconscious, where healing thoughts and patterns take root.

Think of these therapeutic practices as tools in your emotional toolkit. With each session, you’re reshaping your trauma into a narrative of growth and strength. Remember, seeking professional help is an act of self-love and a powerful step toward healing.

4. Documenting: Turning Reality Into Your Written Defense

Think of documentation as your emotional insurance policy – a safeguard for your well-being. Every text, email, and passive-aggressive emoji becomes a tangible record of your journey. It’s like journaling, but with a legal edge.

This documentation serves a dual purpose: therapeutic release and practicality. If you ever find yourself needing to assert your stance in a more official context, those records become your shield. The act of writing down your experiences not only validates your emotions but also reminds you of your strength. It’s your personal memoir, your testimony to your courage in the face of adversity.

5. Prayer: Your Direct Line to God’s Healing Grace

Amidst the chaos, there’s solace in reaching out to the God who knows and loves you deeply. Prayer becomes your lifeline, your direct communication channel with your Heavenly Father. Whether you’re reciting cherished prayers, crafting your own heartfelt requests, or simply sitting in silent communion, you’re releasing the weight you’ve been carrying.

Prayer isn’t just about relinquishing control; it’s about finding peace in surrender to God’s wisdom and plan. You’re acknowledging that you’re not alone in this journey, that God’s support is a constant presence beyond your own strength. As you share your burdens upward, you’re making room for God’s healing touch and divine intervention – a force that transcends the limitations of the human experience.

RELATED: 10 Powerful Truths I’ve Learned About God’s Character While Coparenting

6. The Art of Detachment: You Do You

Emotional detachment doesn’t mean cutting ties or numbing your feelings. It’s about reclaiming your emotional sovereignty. Just as a skilled dancer moves gracefully with the music, you’re learning to navigate the complexities of co-parenting without losing yourself.

When your ex unleashes emotional turmoil, you remain the grounded oak tree that bends but doesn’t break. You’re not controlled by someone else’s chaos; you’re the director of your own emotional narrative. This art of detachment allows you to prioritize your peace and well-being, creating an emotional sanctuary where toxicity can’t infiltrate.

7. The Power of Community: Heal in Packs

Human connection is a balm for the soul, and finding your tribe can be transformative. Whether it’s joining a single parents’ support group, connecting with friends who understand, or participating in online communities, your tribe becomes your anchor.

Shared stories create bridges of empathy, advice becomes a lifeline, and a listening ear is a soothing salve. Your journey is no longer solitary; it’s intertwined with the journeys of others who’ve walked similar paths. The power of community lies in its ability to remind you that you’re never truly alone. You’re part of a collective of strength, resilience, and unwavering determination.

8. Boundaries: The Emotional Armor We All Need

Boundaries are your emotional armor, your shield against the storm of toxicity. Just as you secure your home with locks, boundaries safeguard your emotional space. You decide what’s acceptable and what’s a resounding “no.” Setting boundaries isn’t a declaration of war; it’s a declaration of self-respect and self-care. When those boundaries are crossed, let the alarms ring out. You’re not being difficult; you’re asserting your right to tranquility and well-being. Each boundary you establish is a testament to your commitment to creating a safe emotional haven.

9. Focus on What You Can Control: Harnessing Your Inner Superpower

As you courageously navigate the tumultuous seas of co-parenting with a toxic ex, remind yourself of a powerful truth: while you can’t rewrite their script, you are the director of your own responses and choices. This realization is akin to discovering a hidden superpower – the power to shape your own narrative and reclaim your emotional sovereignty.

In the whirlwind of co-parenting challenges, you might feel like a passenger on a chaotic rollercoaster. However, within you lies the ability to respond with grace, resilience, and unwavering strength. By focusing your energy on nurturing your well-being and fostering a loving environment for your children, you’re not just weathering the storm – you’re steering your ship towards calmer waters. Remember, superheroes aren’t defined by their circumstances; they’re defined by how they rise above them.

10. Elevate Your Mental Well-being: Embrace Joyful Self-Care Rituals

Imagine your mind as a lush garden – it requires consistent care and attention to flourish. Prioritizing your mental health isn’t just a suggestion; it’s a crucial component of your journey to healing. Engaging in activities that bring you joy, tranquility, and a sense of rejuvenation is like giving your garden the sunlight it needs.

Whether it’s immersing yourself in the world of books, pouring your thoughts onto journal pages, or embracing the serenity of mindfulness practices, find what resonates with your soul. These activities aren’t mere luxuries; they’re essential tools for cultivating mental resilience and emotional equilibrium. By taking the time to nourish your mind and spirit, you’re creating a foundation that allows you to weather any storm that comes your way.

Bonus: Forgiveness – A Profound Path to Liberation

Now, let’s unravel a profound concept that might stir a mix of emotions within you: forgiveness. It’s not about dismissing the pain or pretending that hurtful actions never occurred. Instead, forgiveness is an act of liberation – a choice to release the chains of resentment and bitterness that bind you to the past.

Think of forgiveness as a metaphorical bridge that leads you from the shadows of pain to the light of healing. By extending forgiveness, you’re not excusing harmful behavior; you’re setting yourself free from the emotional imprisonment that has held you captive. It’s an offering to yourself, a gift of freedom that allows you to redirect your energy towards your own growth and happiness.

RELATED: How to Build a Positive Co-Parenting Relationship: 15 Elements to Follow

Wrapping Up…

And there we have it! A survival kit to not only weather the storm but to dance in the rain of your newfound wisdom. Remember, healing isn’t a one-time event; it’s an ongoing journey. And just like any great road trip, there will be bumps, detours, and yes, flat tires, but you’ve got the tools to handle them all.

You’re not just a spectator in this turbulent theatre of life; you’re the main act, the heroine in your own blockbuster. Your children, whether they fully realize it or not, are watching you. And they’re learning vital life skills about resilience, self-respect, and emotional intelligence from the best teacher—You.

So, tighten that emotional seatbelt, rev up your self-compassion engine, and let’s hit this winding road of healing. You’re steering this wheel, and don’t you ever forget it. You’re not in this to patch things up temporarily; you’re in this to build an emotional mansion that withstands any storm.

Here’s to you—The Warrior. The survivor. The mom.

The Trauma of Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex


Sep 5, 2023

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